


The Great King is Typing

by saintfrania



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Established Relationship, It’s okay tho Iwaizumi is whipped, M/M, Oikawa is as extra as he is in canon, Texting, rating and tags may change if this catches someone’s attention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:07:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 9,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26489161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintfrania/pseuds/saintfrania
Summary: tooru: iwa-chantooru: would you kill someone for me? (•◡•)hajime: whathajime: we were talking about shrek/ or just another texting fic
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 222
Kudos: 454





	1. no

**tooru:** iwa-chan 

**tooru:** would you kill someone for me? (•◡•)

 **hajime:** what 

**hajime:** we were talking about shrek

 **tooru:** just answer the question 

**hajime:** depends 

**tooru:** *gasp* 

**tooru:** depends on WHAT? 

**hajime:** on the situation

 **hajime:** like, why _would_ i kill someone for you? 

**hajime:** is your life being threatened? 

**hajime:** if so, then yes 

**tooru:** i cannot believe this 

**tooru:** THAT’S the only reason you would kill someone for me? 

**hajime:** i just can’t imagine something so terrible happening that i’d have to commit murder 

**tooru:** okay, imagine we’re dating 

**hajime:** we ARE dating 

**tooru:** shhh 

**tooru:** let me finish 

**tooru:** imagine we’re dating in another universe 

**tooru:** and we’re walking down the streets and then someone appears from out of nowhere and kisses me 

**tooru:** would you kill that person then 

**hajime:** … 

**hajime:** no? 

**tooru:** IWA-CHAN 

**tooru:** NO? SERIOUSLY? 

**hajime:** would you kill someone if they kissed me? 

**tooru:** OF COURSE I WOULD 

**hajime:** oh my god 

**tooru:** does that mean that if someone kisses me you wouldn’t get jealous?????!!!? 

**tooru:** like AT ALL??????? 

**tooru:** ( ˘̀︹˘́ )

 **hajime:** you seriously can’t tell the difference between getting jealous and killing someone? 

**tooru:** there’s no difference getting jealous is the cause and killing is the consequence 

**hajime:** you would go to prison 

**tooru:** i don’t care 

**hajime:** HOW do you not care 

**tooru:** not caring

 **tooru:** would you at least beat up the person who kissed me? 

**hajime:** yes 

**tooru:** nice 

**tooru:** and what if you lose it during the fight and you end up killing the person by accident? 

**hajime:** oikawa, no 

**hajime:** that wouldn’t happen 

**tooru:** okay so what if during the fight that person says i’m a bitch 

**tooru:** what would you do then 

**hajime:** agree with them 

**tooru:** IWA-CHAN (╥︣﹏᷅╥᷅)

 **hajime:** why are we even discussing this nonsense 

**hajime:** i wouldn’t kill an innocent person just because they kissed you 

**tooru:** AN INNOCENT PERSON? 

**tooru:** THEY KISSED ME WITHOUT MY CONSENT 

**hajime:** that didn’t happen because they don’t exist 

**tooru:** i can’t believe this i thought you loved me 

**hajime:** i thought so too but after this conversation i’m having serious doubts 

**tooru:** your words can’t hurt me i’m already broken 

**tooru:** what if the person who kissed me was someone you hated?

 **tooru:** would you kill them then 

**hajime:** no 

**tooru:** ughhhh i’m starting to give up 

**hajime:** … starting? 

**tooru:** what if the person who kissed me was someone i cheated on you with and they tell you so

 **tooru:** would you kill them then

 **hajime:** no 

**tooru:** (`_ゝ´)

 **hajime:** i would kill YOU though

 **tooru:** huh 

**tooru:** WHY THE FUCK 

**hajime:** for cheating on me 

**tooru:** so you’d kill someone you love (me) but not a random i see how it is 

**hajime:** yes because if you cheat you wouldn’t be innocent 

**tooru:** ok

 **tooru:** so if the person who kissed me was a very bad person and not innocent at all you’d kill them then?

 **hajime:** no 


	2. stupid hanamaki

**tooru:** hajime 

**hajime:** uhhhh

**hajime:** what’d i do 

**tooru:** i don’t know 

**tooru:** what did you do?

**hajime:** nothing? 

**tooru:** YET

**hajime:** what

**tooru:** nothing

**tooru:** just

**tooru:** answer this sincerely 

**tooru:** ok? 

**hajime:** ok 

**tooru:** how do you feel about threesomes 

**hajime:** 🏃🏻♂️💨

**tooru:** WHAT does that mean 

**hajime:** i’m running away from something i don’t feel comfortable with

**tooru:** so if i ask for a threesome your answer is no?

**hajime:** exactly

**tooru:** GOOD 

**tooru:** I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

**hajime:** as always when it comes to you i find myself asking

**hajime:** what? 

**tooru:** i was just testing you 

**tooru:** because stupid hanamaki told me that you were probably into it and you just didn’t tell me cause i was too jealous and you didn’t want to hurt my feelings

**hajime:** LOL 

**hajime:** why would you even let hanamaki talk you into anything 

**hajime:** he loves making you angry

**tooru:** i know and i tried to brush it off but suddenly i was like 

**tooru: ◉_◉**

**tooru:** what if he’s right

**hajime:** he’s not

**tooru:** isn’t he? 

**tooru:** so if i asked you’d say no? 100% sure? 

**hajime:** jesus christ

**hajime:** didn’t i JUST say no 

**tooru:** maybe you said no because you knew i was testing you

**hajime:** how would i know that 

**tooru:** DON’T MAKE ME THINK ABOUT THAT YOU KNOW I CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING IN 0.2 SECONDS 

**tooru:** MY POSSESSIVE MIND R U S H E S 

**hajime:** i’m going to kill hanamaki 

**tooru:** so 

**hajime:** SSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**hajime:** yes baby?

**tooru:** HEY DON’T DO THAT 

**tooru:** imagine if i actually wanted a threesome

**tooru:** would you get mad at me? 

**hajime:** no??? 

**tooru:** w hat 

**tooru:** i would kill you 

**tooru:** i would kill EVERYBODY 

**tooru:** why wouldn’t you get mad 

**tooru:** do you not love me 

**tooru:（** つ﹏╰ **）**

**hajime:** i wouldn’t like it but i couldn’t get mad at you like it’s not like you cheated or something 

**hajime:** i’d just tell you no and move on 

**tooru:** WHY AM I THE ONLY JEALOUS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP 

**hajime:** i AM jealous i’m just not an asshole

**tooru:** HEY 

**tooru:** i want you to be an asshole 

**tooru:** a possessive psychotic asshole that owns me

**tooru:** i’m yours 

**tooru:** only yours

**hajime:** that’s

**hajime:** really hot 

**hajime:** but also manipulative 

**hajime:** and extremely fucked up 

**tooru:** so what 

**hajime:** hey 

**tooru:** yes? 

**hajime:** stop

**tooru:** stop what

**hajime:** being insecure

**hajime:** i can feel it all the way here

**hajime:** you’re mine and i’m yours and i don’t want anyone else 

**tooru:** ever? 

**tooru: ʘ‿ʘ**

**hajime:** idiot 

**hajime:** ever

**tooru:** ok 

**tooru:** can i send that to makki as proof 

**hajime:** over my dead body


	3. poor is the pupil who does not surpass his master

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> group chat convo between oikawa, iwaizumi, hanamaki and matsukawa

**takahiro:** i just remembered 

**tooru:** shut the fuck up 

**takahiro:** i didn’t even say anything yet 

**tooru:** you always say that when you’re about to make fun of me so shut the fuck up

**issei:** oh shit it’s roast oikawa hours already??? 

**takahiro:** HELL YEAH 

**hajime:** i’m ready 

**issei:** *oikawa’s voice* IWA-CHAN !!!!! 

**tooru:** EXACTLY WHAT TWEEDLEDEE SAID 

**takahiro:** as i was saying...

**tooru:** MAKKI NO

**issei:** MAKKI YES 

**takahiro:** remember when oikawa thought iwaizumi was dating some random girl and posted a taylor swift song on his instagram stories

**hajime:** WHAT 

**issei:** LMFAOOAOAOOSOKFKEO

**issei:** HOW COULD I EVER FORGET 

**takahiro:** WHICH SONG WAS IT 

**tooru:** PLEASE STOP 

**takahiro:** MATTSUN SAY IT

**issei:** YOU BELONG WITH ME 

**takahiro:** I’M GONNA WAKE UP MY WHOLE FAMILY 

**tooru:** you guys can’t imagine how much i hate you right now 

**hajime:** uhhh

**hajime:** EXPLAIN 

**hajime:** THAT WAS FOR ME????? 

**takahiro:** i can’t with them 

**issei:** you’re lucky your bf is even denser than you, captain 

**tooru:** WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE FOR STUPID

**hajime:** i thought you just liked the song

**issei: 💀**

**hajime:** who did you think i was dating 

**tooru:** i don’t know some irrelevant second year that had the audacity to confess to you

**takahiro:** irrelevant but she sure made you cry

**tooru:** SHUT IT 

**hajime:** wait why did you think i was dating her though 

**issei:** he probs didn’t actually think that and just wanted a reason to be insufferable 

**takahiro:** that makes sense

**tooru:** DOES NOT 

**hajime:** does too 

**tooru:** you MONSTERS

**tooru:** i was suffering

**hajime:** when are you not 

**tooru:** when you grab me by my wrists and pin me to your bed 

**hajime:** OIKAWA 

**tooru:** and you straddle my thighs and lean down to whisper in my ear-

**issei:** CAPTAIN 

**takahiro:** knowing how mortified iwaizumi must be rn is giving me life 

**tooru:** i could go on all night

**hajime:** NO 

**issei:** poor is the pupil who does not surpass his master

**takahiro:** good played assikawa

**tooru:** i lost my boyfriend but it was worth it

**hajime:** just wait until i see you tomorrow 

**tooru:** yeah PUNISH ME DADDY 

**takahiro:** ADJVNDKSJ

**hajime:** STOP IT I’M GONNA KILL YOU


	4. what a surprise you’re horny

**tooru:** iwa-chan 

**tooru:** how come your mom always leaves cute comments on my ig posts and you never do 

**hajime:** i don’t know 

**hajime:** ask her

 **tooru:** just so you know

 **tooru:** you’re on the THINNEST ice 

**hajime:** i always react to your stories tho 

**tooru:** it’s not the same

 **hajime:** why not 

**tooru:** stories reacts are private and comments are for the world to see 

**tooru:** are you embarrassed of me 

**hajime:** yes

 **tooru:** IWA-CHANNNNN 

**tooru:** (╥﹏╥)

 **hajime:** if you ask stupid questions don’t expect serious answers

 **tooru:** i just want you to love me in public 

**hajime:** literally all the pictures i post on instagram are of the two of us 

**tooru:** you still won’t comment on my posts so i don’t care 

**hajime:** ok i’ll delete them then 

**tooru:** IF YOU DO THAT CONSIDER US BROKEN UP 

**hajime:** what even do you want me to comment on your pics 

**tooru:** i don’t know!!! cute things like your mother -the only iwaizumi i claim right now- does 

**hajime:** tooru-kun! you look so handsome, i can’t believe how much you’ve grown up! tell your mom i miss her! 

**tooru:** not EXACTLY like your mom you absolute moron 

**tooru:** you know what i meant 

**hajime:** if it means so much to you then ok i’ll start doing it 

**tooru:** good 

**hajime:** you were supposed to say noo i love you and i respect you just the way you are you don’t have to change for me

 **tooru:** you DO have to change for me though

 **tooru:** if i decide it’s necessary

 **tooru:** did you just leave me on read

 **tooru:** WHY ARE YOU NOT ANSWERING 

**hajime:** jesus christ i was brushing my teeth 

**tooru:** ok 

**tooru:** let me see 

**hajime:** see what 

**tooru:** your teeth 

**hajime:** what 

**tooru:** come on!!! it’s like when i ask for pics when you tell me you’re showering 

**hajime:** it’s not the same i understand why’d you want to see my dick 

**tooru:** i’m your boyfriend i want to see everything

 **hajime:** oikawa 

**tooru:** iwa-chan 

**hajime:** you’re insane 

**tooru:** i’m waiiiiiiiiiiiting 

**hajime:** _file.attached_

 **tooru:** (ɔ˘ ³(ˆ◡ˆc)

 **tooru:** OH TO BE YOUR TEETH AND HAVE YOUR TONGUE PRESSED AGAINST ME ALL DAY

 **hajime:** what a surprise you’re horny

 **hajime:** no wait this actually does surprise me is my fucking teeth getting you going 

**tooru:** SCOFF 

**tooru:** i once got hard thinking about your adam’s apple

 **hajime:** please stop talking 


	5. puk puk pukaaak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Couple + tweedledum and tweedledee play fuck marry kill 😈

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you have any suggestions feel free to send em @ my way !! either leave a comment here or find me on tumblr (it’s saintfrania too). ALSO i changed the rating cause there’s no explicit sex talk but it’s still sex talk lol our guys are 19 so nothing weird :) thank you so much for reading ❤️

**issei:** oi 

**issei:** let’s play fuck marry kill 

**hajime:** no 

**takahiro:** last time we played that oikawa and iwaizumi almost broke up 

**issei:** LMAO

 **tooru:** NOTHING will ever make iwa-chan and me break up 

**hajime:** only death 

**hajime:** :) 

**takahiro:** stop that you’re scaring everyone

 **issei:** makki is right tho every time we want to play something oikawa gets weird and jealous and y’all ruin it for us 

**tooru:** HEY 

**hajime:** not to defend my b*yfriend but don’t act like last time you didn’t ask me who i’d fuck/marry/kill between kageyama ushijima and terushima on purpose 

**takahiro:** it’s the way he censured “boyfriend” for me 

**issei:** who forced you to respond? 

**tooru:** YEAH WHO FORCED YOU HAJIME

 **hajime:** 😴

 **issei:** anyways 

**takahiro:** well i’m bored so count me in 

**tooru:** me too i’m in the mood to get mad at iwa-chan

 **hajime:** if i say i don’t want to play would it make a difference 

**issei:** no 

**issei:** let’s start 

**issei:** and we’d go in alphabetical order 

**issei:** hanamaki - iwaizumi - matsukawa - oikawa

 **takahiro:** so do i ask iwaizumi or does oikawa ask me 

**issei:** oh shit i didn’t think of that 

**hajime:** you guys get more and more stupid each passing day

 **issei:** since iwaizumi is being rude he’s going to suffer the consequences and get asked first 

**issei:** makki DESTROY HIM 

**takahiro:** gladly 

**takahiro:** fmk: jimin / jin / j hope 

**hajime:** who 

**issei:** … 

**issei:** i said destroy him 

**tooru:** andbwnfjkwdjdjejfjkdnrbwjfjr 

**takahiro:** i apologize that was a bit self-indulgent 

**tooru:** a bit? 

**hajime:** i repeat 

**hajime:** who 

**issei:** they’re from bts 

**hajime:** what 

**issei:** i know i’m so embarrassed right now 

**tooru:** I LOVE BTS 

**takahiro:** RIGHT 

**hajime:** ok i just googled them 

**hajime:** fuck jimin marry jin kill j hope 

**takahiro:** TASTELESS

 **takahiro:** WHO’D KILL J HOPE 

**hajime:** me 

**issei:** iwaizumi does like 1.80 meters tall bitches huh 

**tooru:** (>‿◠)✌🏻

 **tooru:** wait did you just call me a bitch 

**hajime:** so 

**hajime:** mattsun 

**hajime:** fmk ex managers edition: karasuno’s / fukurōdani’s / johzenji’s

 **issei:** kaori or yukie

 **hajime:** what 

**tooru:** they were both fukurōdani’s managers 

**hajime:** how do you know that

**hajime: 😃🔪**

**takahiro:** bro he’s gay 

**issei:** i think he’s aware of that makki 

**tooru:** LOL 

**hajime:** i meant the wine-headed one 

**issei:** WINE-HEADED 

**tooru:** that’s yukie 

**hajime:** you’re playing with fire 

**takahiro:** kids. stop it 

**issei:** fuck kiyoko marry yukie kill hana 

**takahiro:** it’s the way he remembers all of their names for me 

**issei:** okay get ready captain 

**tooru:** i was born ready 

**issei:** fmk piss off your boyfriend edition: akaashi / hinata / osamu miya 

**tooru:** ohhhhhhhhhh

 **takahiro:** SAME 

**hajime:** WHAT does that mean 

**issei:** remember when iwaizumi said he’d marry ushijima 

**tooru:** how could i ever forget

 **takahiro:** DJWKFBKWFJOWJFJEJ F 

**hajime:** THAT WAS BECAUSE I COULDN’T MARRY TERUSHIMA HE’S TOO ANNOYING 

**issei:** you could’ve just married kageyama

 **hajime:** HE’S UNDERAGE YOU PERVERTED FUCK 

**tooru:** so what

 **tooru:** what were you planning to do with him

 **hajime:** didn’t i fucking kill him 

**tooru:** i wish 😪 

**issei:** i’m screaming 

**takahiro:** come on shittykawa we don’t have all day 

**tooru:** fuck osamu marry akaashi kill chibi-chan 

**takahiro:** DAMN that was quick 

**tooru:** just for the record i only killed hinata cause he’s underage but i would’ve killed miya instead

 **issei:** fair 

**takahiro:** why so quiet @iwaizumi 

**hajime:** i’m not quiet i’m just filled with murderous rage 

**tooru:** my jealous baby 

**tooru:**

.♥/(,")\\.(".)♥★

..★/♥\♥/█\♥★

.♥_| |__| |_ ♥

 **issei:** what the fuck is that 

**tooru:** it’s me and hajime in love 

**takahiro:** wait so if hinata was not underage would you fuck him or marry him

 **hajime:** dude

 **tooru:** i’d marry him and never ever have sex with him in our entire lifes cause he’s babie

 **issei:** same

 **issei:** also who wouldn’t fuck akaashi 

**takahiro:** right 

**takahiro:** i think i’m straight but if he ever looked my way … 

**hajime:** it’s the way he said i think for me

 **tooru:** okay tweedledum 

**tooru:** it’s your turn 

**tooru:** fmk i may be straight but maybe not though edition: sakusa / alisa haiba / kuroo 

**issei:** HE SNAPPED 

**takahiro:** i hate you 

**tooru:** ٩(˘◡˘)۶

 **hajime:** am i missing something 

**issei:** as always 

**tooru:** makki has a hard on for both kuroo and sakusa so now we’ll see him kill the hottest girl in tokyo for them

 **hajime:** NICE

 **issei:** this is the best thing that ever happened in this gc

 **takahiro:** i don’t wanna play anymore 

**hajime:** too bad 

**tooru:** chicken 

**takahiro:** SHUT UP 

**issei:** puk puk pukaaak 

**tooru:**? 

**issei:** that’s how a chicken sounds

 **hajime:** no it’s not 

**takahiro:** fuck kuroo marry sakusa kill alisa

 **tooru:** gasp 

**tooru:** same tho 

**issei:** hanamaki said not feeling very straight today 

**hajime:** LMAO 

  
  



	6. isdgi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates in one day because apparently i have nothing better to do

(oikawa, iwaizumi, matsukawa & hanamaki)

**takahiro:** yo

 **issei:** why do i feel like you’re about to do something evil? 

**takahiro:** you bet 

**tooru:** give me a break please

 **takahiro:** relax 

**takahiro:** you’re not my victim this time

 **issei:** rip iwaizumi 

**hajime:** what

 **takahiro:** _file.attached_

 **issei:** BROOOOOO

 **tooru:** OH MY GOD

 **issei:** WHY’D YOU DO HIM LIKE THAT 😭😭😭

 **takahiro:** he pissed me off 

**takahiro:** no one can be THAT in love

 **issei:** ok fair 

**tooru:** THANK YOU MAKKI

 **tooru:** I LOVE YOU

 **hajime:** i can’t believe this 

**hajime:** i thought we were friends

 **takahiro:** who told you that

 **issei:** LMFAOOOOOO

 **issei:** i love the fact that he wasn’t even trying to be romantic like that’s just what he thinks about his bf 😭

 **hajime:** shut up 

**tooru:** HAJIME 

**tooru:** I LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH 

**hajime:** one day i’m gonna take revenge 

—————————————————

(iwaizumi & hanamaki, earlier) 

**takahiro:** you’re fucking with me 

**hajime:** no i’m not 

**takahiro:** there must be at least one person that you think is more attractive than oikawa 

**hajime:** why are we even talking about this 

**takahiro:** COME ON 

**hajime:** i already told you 

**hajime:** i don’t know anyone more attractive than him 

**takahiro:** you say that cause you’re whipped but it’s not the truth and you KNOW IT 

**hajime:** why does it matter to you 

**takahiro:** it didn’t matter until i realized you were serious 

**hajime:** leave me alone 

**takahiro:** you think oikawa is hotter than jin? 

**hajime:** whom 

**takahiro:** the guy from bts !!!!! 

**takahiro:** the one you said you’d marry

 **hajime:** oh yes 

**hajime:** yeah oikawa is hotter than him 

**takahiro:** 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

 **takahiro:** i’m tired of this oikawa supremacy 

**takahiro:** if his ego gets any bigger i’m afraid it’ll explode inside of him 

**hajime:** that’s why he doesn’t have to know about this conversation 

**hajime:** got it? 

**takahiro:** ok 

**hajime:** and i’m just talking objectively 

**hajime:** if he was ugly i’d love him still but unfortunately he is not 

**takahiro:** i’m not saying he’s ugly i’m just saying he’s not the most attractive person on earth

 **hajime:** he is 

**takahiro:** you don’t even know all the people on earth 

**hajime:** okay he’s the most attractive person that i know then 

**takahiro:** hold on

 **takahiro:** so you’re saying 

**takahiro:** that he’s more attractive than 

**takahiro:** say 

**takahiro:** sakusa? 

**hajime:** if you were going for casual you failed olympically

 **hajime:** also, yes? 

**hajime:** this is my hundredth time telling you oikawa is the most attractive person that i know

 **takahiro:** YOU’RE LYING 

**hajime:** WHY WOULD I 

**hajime:** DO YOU THINK I ENJOY EMBARRASSING MYSELF LIKE THIS 

**takahiro:** so you think he’s more attractive than akaashi? 

**hajime:** yes 

**takahiro:** YOU’RE PISSING ME OFF

 **hajime:** just drop it 

**takahiro:** tell me why 

**hajime:** why he’s more attractive than akaashi? 

**hajime:** idk 

**hajime:** ask God, he made them 

**takahiro:** no 

**takahiro:** tell me why oikawa is the most attractive person on earth 

**takahiro:** give me a valid argument 

**hajime:** he’s just symmetrical in a way that i’ve never seen in another human being 

**hajime:** harmonious, even 

**hajime:** like, looking at him should be considered therapeutic 

**hajime:** his face is calming, his features angelic 

**hajime:** he’s actually satan but that face can fool anyone 

**hajime:** his hair color matches his eyes color PERFECTLY like they’re exactly the same fucking color and it’d be creepy if it wasn’t so beautiful 

**hajime:** i’ve never seen that color anywhere else

 **hajime:** have you? 

**takahiro:** i 

**takahiro:** no 

**hajime:** you know how people have tiny flecks of different colors in their eyes? 

**hajime:** he doesn’t 

**hajime:** his eyes only have that color, his color 

**hajime:** a darker shade draws a circle around the place where his eyes are supposed to change colors but don’t

 **hajime:** and his pupils are not black like everyone else’s

 **hajime:** no

 **hajime:** they’re the same exact shade than that goddamn circle 

**hajime:** his skin not only looks like, but also feels like porcelain 

**hajime:** if he doesn’t hydratate himself properly, it breaks 

**hajime:** i constantly tease him about not being real because he doesn’t look real 

**hajime:** he’s like a doll 

**hajime:** a six feet tall doll 

**hajime:** he’s not just cute, he’s also hot 

**hajime:** and somehow you can imagine his voice before he even opens his mouth because it fits him, just like everything else

 **takahiro:** dude

 **takahiro:** you’re so gay it’s nauseating 

————————————————

(oikawa, iwaizumi, matsukawa & hanamaki)

**takahiro:** you KNOW our conversation was way longer than ‘my bf is hotter than akaashi’

 **takahiro:** so you should be thanking me instead of threatening me

 **tooru:** THERE’S MORE?????

 **tooru:** I WANNA SEE

 **issei:** ME TOO

 **hajime:** NO

 **takahiro:** i think that your heart won’t be able to take it, oikawa 

**takahiro:** like, i’m afraid you might die 

**tooru:** SHOW ME IMMEDIATELY 

**takahiro:** nope

 **tooru:** I HATE YOU 

**tooru:** YOU UGLY BITCH

 **takahiro:** cause she wears short skirts, i wear t shirts 

**issei:** HDHJSJFJEJFJDKFKDBDV 

**tooru:** DON’T 

**hajime:** idgi 

**takahiro:** back me up @issei

 **issei:** she’s cheer captain and i’m on the bleachers 😪

 **takahiro:** DREAMING BOUT THE DAY WHEN YOU WAKE UP AND FIND 

**tooru:** PLEASE STOP 

**issei:** THAT WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR HAS BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME 

**hajime:** isdgi 

**takahiro:** IF YOU COULD SEE THAT I’M THE ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS YOU

 **issei:** BEEN HERE ALL ALONG SO WHY CAN’T YOU SeeEEeeeE 

**takahiro:** your turn @tooru

 **tooru:** fuck you guys

 **hajime:** can someone pls explain 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to clarify:  
> 1\. hanamaki did NOT send a screenshot of iwaizumi’s super gay talk about oikawa, just of the beginning of their convo ! he’s a little bitch but knows his limits and loves his friends ❤️  
> 2\. in the end hanamaki and matsukawa start texting the lyrics of You Belong With Me to mess with oikawa because of what happened on chapter 3


	7. maybe it’s a sexual thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the gang (minus hanamaki) plays among us and things go exactly as expected

**tooru:** IWA-CHAN

**tooru:** THAT’S IT

**tooru:** WE’RE OVER

**hajime:** thank god

**tooru:** ヽ(`Д´)ノ

**takahiro:** what happened now

**tooru:** while you were busy doing god knows what, iwa-chan tweedledee and i played among us 

**takahiro:** G A S P 

**takahiro:** WITHOUT ME

**takahiro:** i can’t believe you guys DARED 

**issei:** i wanted to wait for you bro 

**takahiro:** bro 😭

**tooru:** i wasn’t finished

**issei:** we don’t care

**hajime:** @tooru are you still coming to my house tonight 

**tooru:** of course NOT 

**tooru:** you traitor 

**hajime:** ok

**hajime:** just so you know 

**hajime:** my mom asked cause she’s about to start making dinner 

**tooru:** well 

**tooru:** then tell her i’ll be there and i’ll talk ONLY to her the entire night 

**hajime:** good for me 

**issei:** HSHAJKDHSHS 

**takahiro:** what did you do @hajime 

**hajime:** i killed him in among us 

**takahiro:** does he know that’s kind of the point? 

**hajime:** i’m not sure about that bro

**tooru:** SHUT UP

**tooru:** IT WAS YOUR FIRST KILL

**tooru:** YOU COULD’VE KILLED ANYONE ELSE 

**hajime:** i would’ve 

**hajime:** if only you weren’t clinging onto me like it was real life 

**takahiro:** LMFAO 

**issei:** i never loved iwaizumi more than i do now

**tooru:** we’re over

**issei:** you already said that

**tooru:** i’m reassuring myself 

**issei:** ok so @hajime now that you’re officially single i have someone to introduce you to 

**takahiro:** this is heading to a very dangerous place 

**takahiro:** called angry oikawa 

**tooru:** i couldn’t care less 

**takahiro:** HE’S NOT SCREAMING GUYS THIS IS BAD

**issei:** i’m actually kinda scared now so i want to apologize before i get murdered

**tooru:** don’t worry it’s not you who i’m mad at

**hajime:** who then? 

**issei:** 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 bro

**takahiro:** why is he riling him up 

**issei:** maybe it’s a sexual thing 

**takahiro:** oh yeah maybe he wants oikawa to punish him 

**issei:** i thought iwaizumi topped tho 

**takahiro:** i did too but he’s shorter than oikawa so idk 

**tooru:** LMAOOOOOOOOO

**hajime:** you two

**hajime:** shut the fuck up 

**hajime:** oikawa stop ignoring me 

**takahiro:** he isn’t??

**hajime:** he’s ignoring me on private 

**takahiro:** OHHHHH

**takahiro:** well you kind of deserve it 

**issei:** you go @tooru

**tooru:** @issei 😌

**hajime:** stop it 

**takahiro:** call him daddy 

**hajime:** i swear to god 

**tooru:** yeah hajime 

**tooru:** call me daddy 

**takahiro:** this is getting weird 

**hajime:** you literally started it 

**issei:** YOOOOO

**issei:** BOKUTO IS FUCKING AKAASHI 

**tooru:** we been knew 

**takahiro:** wait WHAT

**takahiro:** HOW DO Y’ALL KNOW

**tooru:** i didn’t know for sure but it was v obvious

**hajime:** @issei explain 

**issei:** explain what 

**hajime:** … 

**hajime:** how do you know 

**issei:** i was asking 

**tooru:** no you weren’t?

**takahiro:** you affirmed it bro 

**issei:** i only skipped the “?” 

**hajime:** which is the reason why an affirmative sentence becomes a question

**issei:** do forgive me, oh great king of grammar 

**takahiro:** man if bokuto is fucking akaashi … 

**tooru:** what? 

**takahiro:** good for him 

**issei:** LOL 

**hajime:** word 

**tooru:** excuse me???????????????? 

**hajime:** weren’t you ignoring me? 

**tooru:** weren’t you my boyfriend? 

**hajime:** weren’t we broken up? 

**tooru:** we’re together again 

**tooru:** and now i’m madder than ever

**hajime:** good 

**hajime:** i missed you 

**issei:** 🤮

**issei:** if bokuto and akaashi are a thing you guys been dethroned

**tooru:** owww he’s admitting we’ve been #1 all this time 

**issei:** NO that’s not what i meant

**tooru:** OWWWWWWWWWWWWW

**tooru:** ❤(ˆ‿ˆԅ)

**takahiro:** that’s cute @issei 

**issei:** SHUT UP WHY ARE YOU SIDING WITH HIM 

**hajime:** oooWWwwWwWwwWwWwWww


	8. enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> disgusting self-indulgence to celebrate chapter number 10!  
> even though this is just a texting fic, it does have a structure and a lot of my headcanons behind it. if you’re interested, keep reading: 
> 
> -seijoh third years are 19, and since this is an au i make all the rules and oikawa & iwaizumi study in tokyo meanwhile hanamaki & matsukawa are students in miyagi  
> -even tho they both study in tokyo they attend to different universities (tokyo university for oiks, nihon university for iwa) so they don’t share dorms as they live in different campus. but they obvs visit each other frequently ;) and they try to visit their parents in miyagi as much as they can!  
> -iwaizumi is an only child and his dad died when he was little so he’s v v close to his mom! oikawa has a sister like in canon and also has a good relationship with his parents (they’re together)  
> -iwaizumi studies sports science like in canon and oikawa studies earth and planetary physics. they’re both nerds :)  
> -oikawa plays volleyball for his university team 
> 
> that’s all so far!

**tooru:** iwa-chan !!!!

**tooru:**

..... (¯`v´¯)♥

.......•.¸.•´

....¸.•´

... (

☻/

/▌♥♥

/ \ ♥♥

 **hajime:** what the fuck 

**tooru:** can i at least get a ‘good morning baby’?????????? 

**hajime:** i brought you breakfast in bed before i left for my class

 **tooru:** still 

**tooru:** i was too tired to process it

 **hajime:** why are you such a brat? 

**tooru:** cause you allow me to :) 

**hajime:** right

 **hajime:** good morning baby

 **tooru:** I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU

 **tooru:** also i have a surprise waiting for you in my dorm

 **hajime:** is it sex related? 

**tooru:** nope 

**hajime:** then i don’t care 

**tooru:** iwa-chan 😭

 **hajime:** what is it 

**tooru:** if i told you it wouldn’t be a surprise 

**hajime:** is it something you bought? 

**hajime:** i told you we have to stop spending money on stupid things 

**hajime:** presents on birthdays ONLY remember?

 **hajime:** and i don’t care how much money your dad gives you, you’re going to give it back to him by the end of the semester because we have to be responsible for our money and therefore financially independent

 **tooru:** we’re 19

 **hajime:** your point?

 **tooru:** are you done lecturing me? 

**tooru:** it’s not something i bought you big grump

 **hajime:** … 

**hajime:** i really hope it’s not something you cooked 

**tooru:** HUH

 **tooru:** WHY 

**hajime:** you’re terrible at cooking 

**tooru:** how can you be SO MEAN 

**tooru:** it’s not that either tho

 **hajime:** then what is it? 

**tooru: 😇**

**hajime:** oikawa

 **tooru:** yes baby? 

**hajime:** you did not adopt that cat 

**tooru:** what cat? 

**hajime:** oh my god

 **hajime:** the one with the broken leg that makki told you about 

**hajime:** please tell me you didn’t

**tooru: 😇**

**hajime:** before i start hyperventilating

 **hajime:** i want you to answer to some questions

 **tooru:** okie dokie

 **hajime:** first of all, what did your roommate say?

 **tooru:** oh, he doesn’t know yet

 **tooru:** he hasn’t returned from class 

**hajime:** second: you do know that what you’re doing is against the rules and it’ll be a matter of time until someone notices and makes you kick the damn cat off right? 

**tooru:** iwa-chan, no one is going to notice!!!

 **hajime:** THIRD 

**hajime:** how is this a surprise for ME? 

**tooru:** the cat is so cute 🥺

 **tooru:** you’re going to love her! 

**hajime:** i’m not going to love her cause she’s going by the time i get there

 **tooru:** NO WAY 

**tooru:** YOU’RE NOT TAKING CHIEN-SHIUNG AWAY FROM ME 

**hajime:** did you _name_ her? 

**hajime:** i’m sorry. did you name her after a _physicist_?

 **tooru:** and what about it? 

**hajime:** oikawa 

**tooru:** i’m sorryyyy but what was i supposed to do? 

**tooru:** no one was going to adopt her because of her broken leg! 

**hajime:** i don’t care about your altruistic intentions that cat can’t stay there 

**tooru:** iwa-chan 😭

 **hajime:** i said no

 **tooru:** fine.

 **tooru:** since i knew this was going to happen your brilliant boyfriend already thought of a plan b 

**hajime:** i can barely wait to hear it ! 

**tooru:** shut up it’s a good plan

 **tooru:** i swear!

 **tooru:** you know how your mom is alone except for the weekends when we visit her? 

**hajime:**...yes

 **tooru:** i think chien-shiung chan will be good company for her! she’s very sweet and polite!

 **tooru:** and i swear i will take care of everything she needs, i will pay for her food and vaccines and vet controls! 

**hajime:** you don’t have to do that

 **hajime:** my mother can manage

 **tooru:** IS THAT A YES????? 

**tooru:** ^o^

 **hajime:** i have to ask her first

 **hajime:** it’s not my choice to make 

**hajime:** it’s not YOUR choice to make either, i wish you’d understand that before doing something so reckless 

**tooru:** please don’t be mad at me iwa-chan 😣

 **tooru:** i knew i couldn’t keep her, i promise!

 **tooru:** but makki’s aunt couldn’t take care of her anymore so i promised to find her a responsible owner

 **tooru:** please please don’t be mad 😢

 **hajime:** okay 

**tooru:** okay what???

 **hajime:** okay i’m not mad at you

 **tooru:** and you love me? 

**hajime:** yes 

**tooru:** how much? 

**hajime:** enough 

**tooru:** and how much would you love me if i had another surprise for you that WAS sex related? 

**hajime:** still enough 

**tooru:** iwa-channnnn

 **tooru:** *෴*

 **hajime:** for fuck’s sake you’re so damn CUTE you make me want to 

**hajime:** do reckless things with you

 **tooru:** like what???? 

**tooru:** tell me 

**hajime:** like drop off college and marry you and rob a bank then buy a cottage house with that money so we can raise chien-shiung and bake fucking apple pies in the afternoons 

**tooru:** hajime 

**tooru:** you really want to marry me? 

**hajime:** did you read the whole thing i sent or 

**tooru:** yes and i’m losing my mind over it 

**tooru:** answer meeeee 

**hajime:** yes, of course i want to

 **tooru:** i’m 

**tooru:** i can’t take it 

**hajime:** please tell me you’re not crying 

**tooru:** i’m not crying 

**hajime:** good

 **tooru:** i’m SOBBING on chien-shiung’s belly 

**tooru:** so… 

**hajime:** no

 **hajime:** we’re not going to talk about our wedding already 

**hajime:** I BEG YOU to take it easy 

**tooru:** BUT 😭😭😭😭😭😭

 **hajime:** if you wondered the reason why i never talked about marrying you, this is why 

**hajime:** we’re NINETEEN 

**tooru:** i said the exact same thing to you earlier and you said 

**tooru:** your point? 

**hajime:** being responsible for our money is one thing and getting married is another 

**tooru:** being responsible for our money is the cause and getting married is the consequence :) 

**hajime:** oikawa, no 

**hajime:** you’re not even responsible for your money yet

 **tooru:** ok ok but promise me we’ll get married before we’re 30 

**hajime:** i promise 

**tooru:** ‘i promise’ what? 

**hajime:** i promise (annoying) baby ❤️


	9. well that escalated quickly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short update cause i’m boredt at work listening to blackpink. proper update very soon! also i’m working on a new fic that i hope y’all check out ok? ok. I LOVE U THANKS FOR ALWAYS LEAVING ME CUTE COMMENTS 🥰

**hajime:** HELP

**issei:** WHAT’S UP

**hajime:** OIKAWA WON’T STOP SINGING ICE CREAM 

**issei:** WHAT’S THAT 

**hajime:** A SONG BY BLACKPINK

**issei:** OH MY GOD

**takahiro:** WHY ARE YOU STILL SCREAMING

**tooru:** diamonds on my wrist so he calls me ice cream

**takahiro:** you can double dip cause i know you like me 

**issei:** MAKKI

**hajime:** NOT YOU 

**takahiro:** it’s a bop

**tooru:** RIGHT????? 

**tooru:** keep it movin like my lease up

**takahiro:** think you fly boy, where @ your visa? 

**tooru:** MONA LISA KINDA LISA 

**takahiro:** NEEDS AN ICE CREAM MAN THAT TREATS HER 

**issei:** what the fuck

**tooru:** NA NANANANA NA NANANANA 

**takahiro:** ICE ON MY WRIST YEAH I LIKE IT LIKE THIS 

**tooru:** GET THE BAG WITH THE CREAM IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN 😉 @hajime

**issei:** well that escalated quickly 

**takahiro:** wait why 

**takahiro:** i don’t understand that line 

**tooru:** BAHJSHAHAHAHHA

**hajime:** kill me


	10. top 10 anime betrayals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they’re so chaotic 😪

**takahiro:** guys remember the last time we played fuck marry kill and oikawa said he would marry akaashi 

**hajime:** … 

**issei:** DUDE hsjdjsjdjdh

 **takahiro:** what 

**issei:** why would you bring that up

 **tooru:** yeah WHY do you hate me or something

 **takahiro:** well yes 

**tooru:** i meant for real 

**takahiro:** LMAO NO I REALLY DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT I’M SORRY 

**takahiro:** i just realized something big 

**issei:** 👀 

**takahiro:** iwaizumi looks exactly like akaashi

 **tooru:** holy shit 

**hajime:** no i don’t? 

**tooru:** HOLY SHIT 

**issei:** WTF YOU’RE RIGHT 

**issei:** HOW DID WE NOT REALIZE BEFORE 

**takahiro:** I DON’T KNOW MAN

 **takahiro:** THEY’RE IDENTICAL 

**issei:** MIYA TWINS WHOMST

 **hajime:** no we’re not? 

**hajime:** @tooru do you actually agree with them? 

**tooru:** i wouldn’t say identical but now that i think about it you def look alike

 **hajime:** so that means you like akaashi 

**tooru:** baby 😭 i don’t even know him

 **hajime:** but you think he’s hot 

**issei:** i’m living for jealous iwa 

**takahiro:** EVERYBODY thinks akaashi is hot bro

 **takahiro:** even you

 **takahiro:** and just for the record that’s very narcissistic of you

 **issei:** HSHAHDHSDH STOP 

**takahiro:** hey if oikawa liking iwaizumi means he likes akaashi then that also means bokuto likes iwaizumi

 **issei:** not following

 **takahiro:** cause bokuto likes akaashi 

**issei:** oh right

 **issei:** get it @hajime

 **tooru:** HEY 

**tooru:** DUMB AND DUMBER

 **tooru:** CAN YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP

 **issei:** did he call us- 

**takahiro:** yeah

**issei: 💀**

**tooru:** baby i swear you’re cuter and hotter and everything else-r than him! 

**hajime:** are you talking to me or to your new boyfriend akaashi? 

**tooru:** i’m sorry it’s not that i don’t take your jealousy seriously but i really want to suck your soul through your dick right now

 **hajime:** OIKAWA 

**issei:** CAPTAIN 

**takahiro:** MY EYES

 **takahiro:** MY POOR EYES

 **tooru:** what happened did you walk past a mirror?

 **issei:** ohhh the clone fucker got off a good one !

 **hajime:** did you just call me a _clone_? 

**tooru:** did you just call me a … _clone_ _fucker_? 

**takahiro:** there’s something wrong with this gc

 **hajime:** yeah, you and tweedledee’s existence 

**tooru:** iwa-chan ( ཀ͝ ∧ ཀ͝ )

 **hajime:** what do you want

 **tooru:** i love you

 **hajime:** ok

 **tooru:** iwa-channnnnn

 **tooru:** (◞‸◟；)

 **issei:** your kaomojis keep getting uglier huh

 **tooru:** you keep getting uglier 

**issei:** hey 😪 

**tooru:** guys help me make up with iwa-chan 

**takahiro:** why would we 

**tooru:** because you are the reason why he’s mad in the first place

 **issei:** *sighs*

 **issei:** these gays bro i’m telling you

 **takahiro:** i know bro 

**takahiro:** @hajime 

**takahiro:** i would be honored if someone said i looked like God Akaashi Himself but since you’re weird and stupid then i want to reassure you that there’s a lot of differences between you guys 

**hajime:** name one 

**takahiro:** well, your eyebrows are thinner 

**takahiro:** plus you’re shorter than him 

**takahiro:** and that’s all

 **takahiro:** oh no no no wait 

**takahiro:** he has green eyes 

**issei:** makki ………………….

 **tooru:** top 10 anime betrayals 

**issei:** this is going down 

**takahiro:** what 

**takahiro:** what did i say 

**tooru:** iwa-chan has green eyes too 

**takahiro:** oh 

**takahiro:** OH 

**issei:** well done bro iwaizumi is definitely no longer mad at oikawa now! 

**tooru:** hahdjwhdhshsjhdhe

 **tooru:** thank you makki i love you ヾ(´ε｀*)ゝ 

**takahiro:** I KNEW THAT I JUST DIDN’T CONNECT THE DOTS 

**issei:** THAT’S what you’re gonna go with? 

**takahiro:** SHUT UP I’M TELLING THE TRUTH 

**tooru:** iwa-chan’s silence is giving me the chills 

**issei:** same 

**hajime:** i was just remembering how hanamaki said he thought he was straight but if akaashi ever looked his way … 

**issei:** oh BURN 

**tooru:** i don’t like where this conversation is going

 **issei:** hanamaki being humiliated and oikawa getting ready to chop his head off? 

**issei:** nothing but respect for my king iwaizumi 

**hajime:** thanks 

**takahiro:** that’s why i said there’s a lot of differences between you two 

**tooru:** what, his ‘thinner eyebrows’?

 **takahiro:** it was just an example

 **tooru:** or the inch akaashi got on him?

 **takahiro:** yeah cause i prefer tall guys 

**tooru:** IWA-CHAN IS TALL 

**takahiro:** oiks i promise i don’t like your boyfriend 😭

 **tooru:** BACK THE FUCK OFF 

**issei:** LMFAOOOOOOOOOO

 **takahiro:** YOU SICK FUCK HE’S MY FRIEND 

**takahiro:** YOU’RE MY FRIEND 

**takahiro:** I DON’T EVEN LIKE GUYS (too much)

 **takahiro:** AND HE’S NOT EVEN MY TYPE

 **issei:** it’s the way he said ‘too much’ for me 

**tooru:** TALL AND HANDSOME ISN’T YOUR TYPE? 

**takahiro:** sorry idgi do you want me to like your boyfriend or not?

 **tooru:** I 

**tooru:** IWA-CHAN 

**tooru:** DO SOMETHING 

**hajime:** makki, stop liking me please 

**hajime:** i’m a taken man plus i wouldn’t date a pink haired guy

 **takahiro:** you ASSHOLE

 **takahiro:** MY HAIR IS NOT PINK 

**tooru:** STOP TALKING TO EACH OTHER I’M SO MAD 

**issei:** they’re just messing with you 

**tooru:** YOU SHUT UP 

**issei:** *mike wazowski stare*


	11. i want your head on a silver plate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tag yourself i’m makki

**issei:** GUYS 

**issei:** I JUST GOT THE TICKETS FOR IWAIZUMI’S BDAY SURPRISE

**issei:** I’M SO HYPED THIS CONCERT IS GONNA BE NUTS 

**issei:** PLUS I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HIS REACTION 

**hajime:** uh 

**hajime:** i guess you don’t have to wait anymore 

**issei:** NO

**issei:** THIS IS NOT HAPPENING 

**tooru:** MATSUKAWA 

**tooru:** YOU’RE THE STUPIDEST PERSON IN JAPAN

**takahiro:** why am i not surprised? 

**issei:** no nononononono

**issei:** i’m dreaming 

**issei:** please tell me i’m dreaming

**tooru:** WHAT I’M GOING TO DO IS MURDER YOU IN COLD BLOOD

**tooru:** YOU HAD ONE JOB 

**issei:** I HAD TWO 

**issei:** GET THE TICKETS  _ AND _ NOT MESSAGE THE WRONG GC 

**takahiro:** you also have two brain cells and they don’t seem to like each other very much 

**hajime:** BHAHDHASHAHAHAH 

**tooru:** DON’T LAUGH THIS IS SERIOUS 

**hajime:** matsun fucked up and i’m the one getting yelled at? 

**issei:** guys 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 

**issei:** i feel horrible i can’t believe i ruined everything 

**tooru:** YOU BETTER FEEL HORRIBLE 

**tooru:** YOU RUINER 

**takahiro:** don’t worry bro you didn’t ruin everything

**issei:** thanks bro 

**takahiro:** just a surprise we’ve been planning for literally eight months 

**issei:** makki 💔

**tooru:** makki ❤️

**issei:** he doesn’t know which concert is though

**tooru:** he can easily realise 

**issei:** no he can’t?? 

**hajime:** yes i can 

**hajime:** BUT it’s fine really i’m so happy you guys thought of it and got the tickets so we could go together 

**takahiro:** OH NO 

**takahiro:** THIS CANNOT GET WORSE 

**takahiro:** HE’S PITYING US 

**hajime:** nooooo 

**hajime:** i’m really not!!

**tooru:** MATSUKAWA I WANT YOUR HEAD ON A SILVER PLATE 

**issei:** look i know this is bad but it’s not /that/ bad

**issei:** maybe for makki and i but you have another surprise planned for him so 

**takahiro:** oh my god … 

**hajime:** did he just 

**hajime:** fuck up again? 

**tooru:** ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME 

**issei:** LMFAOOOOOOOOOO

**issei:** I’M SO SO SO SO SORRY 

**tooru:** YOU’RE DOING IT ON PURPOSE 

**issei:** I’M NOT I SWEAR IF I WAS DOING IT ON PURPOSE IT WOULDN’T TURN OUT THIS HILARIOUS 

**tooru:** IT’S NOT HILARIOUS YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOTIC MORON 

**tooru:** YOU’RE RUINING MY LIFE

**hajime:** babe 

**hajime:** chill

**takahiro:** my stomach aches from how hard i’m laughing right now

**tooru:** what part of this conversation was funny? 

**tooru:** i’m genuinely asking 

**takahiro:** all of it 

**hajime:** careful 

**takahiro:** awww he’s protective ~ 

**hajime:** yeah, of you 

**hajime:** he’s a second away from killing any of us

**tooru:** you’re not in my murder list 

**takahiro:** thanks 

**tooru:** i was talking to iwa-chan 

**issei:** guys

**tooru:** don’t 

**issei:** 😭

**issei:** what can i do to make this better 

**takahiro:** what about this: do nothing at all 

**hajime:** not gonna lie this is ten times better than the surprise y’all got planned for me 

**tooru:** IWA-CHAN 

**tooru:** HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT 

**tooru:** WE PUT SO MUCH EFFORT INTO IT 

**hajime:** i know and i appreciate it but this is just too funny to be true 

**tooru:** I’M SO MAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW 

**takahiro:** i’m relieved actually 

**takahiro:** like now i’m 100% sure that we’ve given him the best birthday present ever

**issei:** nah bro oikawa’s present is the best by far

**takahiro:** lmaoooooooooo

**takahiro:** do you have a death wish? 

**issei:** WHAT DID I DO NOW

**takahiro:** just stop talking about it 

**tooru:** @issei if you’re not doing it on purpose and you’re seriously that mentally deranged i’m worried about you

**hajime:** oikawa shdjshfjsjjdwjhdhs 

**tooru:** i just can’t believe him

**issei:** OK OK I’M SHUTTING UP FOREVER I’M SORRY 

**tooru:** you’re banned from birthday surprises for LIFE 

**issei:** NO

**issei:** THAT’S NOT FAIR 

**issei:** MAKKI. TELL HIM 

**takahiro:** i’m afraid i’m with him on this one bro

**issei:** can’t a guy make a fucking mistake? 

**tooru:** you made three

**takahiro:** in a total of ten minutes

**issei:** you just have to be patient with me 

**hajime:** are you a child? 

**issei:** yes


	12. 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what do you think it happens when oikawa is a brat? wrong answers only

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’ALL MISSED ME???????  
> i haven’t forgotten about this fic i swear i’ve just been really busy :,( but i’m back!! this chapter is dedicated to the amazing not_exactly_alone for being so smart and dedicated at school hehe ❤️

**tooru:** baby 

**tooru:** baby

 **tooru:** baby

 **tooru:** baby 

**tooru:** baby 

**hajime:** studying 

**hajime:** how urgent is it in a scale from 0 to 10 

**tooru:** 13

 **hajime:** ok 

**hajime:** tell me 

**tooru:** which do you think was our best sex? 

**hajime:** in what world is that question a 13? 

**tooru:** in mine 

**hajime:** right

 **hajime:** ok i’ll just go back to my book hit me up if you come up with something important

 **tooru:** IT IS important though

 **tooru:** please just answer ❤️ 

**hajime:** no ❤️ 

**tooru:** <(｀^´)>

 **hajime:** i’ll answer if you tell me why did you ask that in the first place 

**tooru:** ok 

**tooru:** but promise you won’t laugh 

**hajime:** i promise i will laugh 

**tooru:** i have this diary where i used to write about you when i was a pining mess and i found it like three weeks ago and i started writing on it again because ,,, the development right

 **tooru:** it’s so cute it used to be so sad and now it’s all ˚‧*♡ॢ˃̶̤̀◡˂̶̤́♡ॢ*‧˚

 **tooru:** and i follow this youtuber who wrote down all her first times with her gf in her last vid and now i’m doing it too but like an extended version 

**tooru:** like i’m done with our firsts and now i’m picking our bests 

**tooru:** so far i have our best kiss, our best date, our best makeup after a fight, our best (happiest) moment, and a few more 

**tooru:** but i can’t decide on our best sex

 **tooru:** please help 

**hajime:** wow 

**tooru:** don’t laugh (/へ＼*)

 **tooru:** i’m just really in love with you ok? 

**hajime:** i’m not laughing at all 

**hajime:** to answer your question, i don’t know which was our best sex 

**hajime:** i know which will be, though 

**hajime:** as soon as you walk through the door of my dorm tonight i’m gonna fuck you stupid 

**tooru:** iwa-chan 😩

 **tooru:** you can’t say that and then expect me to wait for another 3 hours to see you

 **hajime:** of course i can 

**hajime:** hey

 **hajime:** bring your diary tonight ok? 

**tooru:** no way it’s too embarrassing 

**hajime:** you ARE embarrassing and that never stopped you before

 **tooru:** iwa-chan (﹒︣ ‸ ﹒︣) 

**tooru:** that was so mean and uncalled for

 **hajime:** oikawa 

**hajime:** this has to be the cutest thing you ever did and you want to keep it from me? 

**tooru:** sort of 

**hajime:** okay then 

**hajime:** no diary = no sex

 **tooru:** WHAT 

**tooru:** THAT’S NOT FAIR 

**tooru:** YOU CAN’T FORCE ME TO SHOW YOU MY DIARY 

**hajime:** and you can’t force me to have sex 

**tooru:** OF COURSE I CAN 

**hajime:** think about it 

**hajime:** i can go a night without sex 

**hajime:** you, on the other hand… 

**tooru:** excuse me? 

**tooru:** are you trying to say that i’m so obsessed with your cock that if i don’t get it tonight i’m gonna cry until you snap and fuck me into tomorrow? 

**tooru:** because you’re absolutely right 

**hajime:** don’t say things like that 

**tooru:** why? you’re hard already? 

**tooru:** and you say I’M the one who can’t go a night without sex 

**tooru:** pfttt 

**tooru:** you give yourself too much credit iwa-chan 

**hajime:** is that so?

 **tooru:** mmm 

**tooru:** yes 

**hajime:** i give myself too much credit 

**tooru:** that’s what i said 

**hajime:** alright 

**tooru:** wait

 **tooru:** no 

**tooru:** i didn’t mean that 

**hajime:** oh but i think you did

 **tooru:** NO i swear 

**tooru:** iwa-chan 😭 

**tooru:** please forgive me 

**hajime:** i can’t 

**hajime:** you’ve been a brat 

**hajime:** you know what happens when you’re a brat. don’t you, baby?

 **tooru:** i was just joking

 **tooru:** sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry 

**tooru:** i already packed the diary and everything! 

**hajime:** too late 

**hajime:** i gave you not only one but two chances to back off and you kept pushing my buttons

 **tooru:** hajime

 **hajime:** tooru

 **tooru:** ( ✿ •̀ ‸ •́ ✿ )

 **hajime:** aww that one looks just like you

 **tooru:** i hate you

 **hajime:** no you don’t 

**tooru:** no i don’t :( 

**hajime:** so what did you pick as our happiest moment? 

**tooru:** can’t you just wait until tonight to read it yourself? 

**hajime:** no

**tooru: 😤**

**tooru:** you only childs… I SWEAR 

**tooru:** i picked the day you got your acceptance letter from nihon university because that day we knew we’d be only a few minutes away from each other

 **hajime:** smart choice 

**hajime:** i love you so much 

**tooru:** enough to forget my little outburst of brattery? 😇

 **hajime:** no


	13. SO COOL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oikawa’s asshole tantics don’t work on bokuto. i offer y’all the second chapter of the day for two reasons: 1) bokuaka confirmation 2) as a way to say sorry for taking so long to update. love you ❤️

**unknown:** OIKAWA HIIIII 

**tooru:** who is this 

**unknown:** it’s bokuto! 

**tooru:** who? 

**koutarou:** uhhh

**koutarou:** bokuto koutarou?

**koutarou:** former fukurōdani’s captain? 

**tooru:** lmaoooo i know i was just messing with you 

**koutarou:** >:( 

**tooru:** so 

**koutarou:** oh right 

**koutarou:** hi!!!! 

**tooru:** hi kou-chan!

**tooru:** to what do i owe the pleasure?

**koutarou:** i’ve been thinking about something lately and i wanted to know if i’m the only one who realized it 

**tooru:** that iwa-chan and kei-chan look like siblings who had been separated at birth? 

**koutarou:** omg yes!!!!!!! 

**koutarou:** isn’t it weird that our boyfriends look so much alike!??? 

**tooru:** boyfriend huh 

**tooru:** so the rumors are true then

**koutarou:** there are rumors about us!??? 

**koutarou:** SO COOL 😎 

**tooru:** just my annoying friends 

**tooru:** you know, they were so sad when they heard you were dating kei-chan!

**tooru:** apparently he’s a very desired man ~ 

**koutarou:** he is!!!!! 

**koutarou:** and I’M the one who gets to date him. that makes me even more cool 😎

**tooru:** wait, you’re not jealous? 

**koutarou:** jealous about what?? 

**tooru:** i

**tooru:** nevermind 


	14. brain.exe has stopped working

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me @ iwaizumi lately: go to horny jail *bonk*

**tooru:** iwa-chan 

**tooru:** i have a surprise for you （○゜ε＾○）

**tooru:** and before you start lecturing me NO it’s not something i bought 

**tooru:** nor something i cooked 

**tooru:** and it’s not a new pet either 

**hajime:** yeah i ran out of options

**tooru:** ha ha 

**tooru:** so 

**tooru:** guess :) 

**hajime:** give me a clue 

**tooru:** it’s something you’re going to like very much 

**hajime:** could be anything 

**hajime:** OHHHHH

**hajime:** wait wait wait 

**hajime:** you didn’t say it wasn’t sex related 

**hajime:** is it?

**tooru:** not exactly sex related but sorta 

**hajime:** tell me 

**tooru:** noooooo

**tooru:** you have to guess 

**hajime:** i can’t guess because all i can think about now is sex 

**tooru:** you’re just saying that because you want me to tell you

**hajime:** is it working? 

**tooru:** ugh 

**tooru:** FINE 

**tooru:** but i won’t tell you

**tooru:** i’ll show you ~( ＾ڡ＾)✌🏻

**hajime:** don’t send me a dick pic please

**hajime:** i’m in class 

**hajime:** i might do an exception for your ass though 

**hajime:** just warn me so i can put my phone under my hoodie or something 

**tooru:** iwa-chan you PIG 

**tooru:** i wasn’t going to show you my dick or my ass!!! 

**hajime:** boringgggg

**tooru:** oh really?

**tooru:** _ file.attached _

**hajime:** did you 

**hajime:** shave your legs 

**hajime:** perhAps 

**tooru:** nope 

**tooru:** i waxed them

**hajime:** holy fuck 

**tooru:** holy fuck indeed!! they’re so nice and soft now idk why it took me so long to try this!!

**tooru:** though it hurt a little, maybe next time i’ll just shave

**tooru:** what do you think??? 

**hajime:** ‼️WARNING‼️

**hajime: ❌** brain.exe has stopped working **🚫**

**tooru:** iwa-channnnnn 

**tooru: 😤**

**tooru:** just say something nice about my legs ok

**tooru:** please 

**tooru:** pretty please with a cherry on top

**tooru:** why are you not answering 

**tooru:** I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS 

**tooru:** I WAXED 20% FOR VOLLEYBALL AND 80% FOR YOU 

**tooru:** (Ĭ ^ Ĭ)

**tooru:** i’m so sad i’ll just go to bed and cry if i die choking on my own tears i want you to know it’s no one’s fault but YOURS and YOURS ALONE

**hajime:** sorry i couldn’t text back cause i was running to the bus stop 

**hajime:** i’ll be there in 15 

**tooru:** WHAT 

**tooru:** YOU WERE IN CLASS 

**hajime:** i was ;)

**tooru:** couldn’t you just tell me i looked hot like a normal boyfriend 

**hajime:** i still haven’t taken the bus 

**hajime:** i can turn around right now and go back to my class if you want

**tooru:** NO 

**tooru:** WHY WOULD I WANT THAT

**hajime:** is your roommate home? 

**tooru:** i just kicked him out

**hajime:** that’s my boy 


	15. cheating is for the weak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “who knows their partner better” shenanigans with the seijou four!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello lovelies i want y’all to know that i wrote down all your prompts and i’ll be writing them v v soon! also i’ll dedicate each chapter to whoever sent me the each prompt. thank u so much! i love you.

**issei:** GUYS

**issei:** I HAVE THE BEST GAME FOR US TO PLAY 

**hajime:** please no 

**takahiro:** please YES 

**issei:** WHO KNOWS THEIR PARTNER BETTER

**issei:** but instead of being iwaizumi vs oikawa because we all know iwaizumi is going to win and oikawa is going to cry at the end

**tooru:** HEY 

**issei:** let’s do it oikawa+iwaizumi vs makki+i 

**takahiro:** i’m so down for this 

**tooru:** wait

**tooru:** do you seriously think you two have a chance against us? 

**tooru:** lol 

**hajime:** not that i enjoy siding with him when he’s being arrogant and annoying but he’s right 

**hajime:** we know each other since we’re babies there’s no way in hell we’re not crushing your asses at this game

**issei:** i assume you won’t have a problem with joining, then

**tooru:** of course we don’t 

**takahiro:** if i were you guys i wouldn’t underestimate us 

**takahiro:** you might be in for a surprise ;)

**tooru:** what i’m in for is a turn to punch your ugly face in

**issei:** LMAO IT’S MOTHERFUCKING ONNNNNN 

**hajime:** oikawa 

**hajime:** composure

**tooru:** （ノ♯｀△´）ノ~’┻━┻

**hajime:** is that you throwing a table? 

**takahiro:** ok i take it back they’re definitely winning this

**issei:** we don’t want negativity in this house ! 

**issei:** anyway

**issei:** let’s start 

**issei:** oikawa will go against makki for the first question and then i’ll go against iwaizumi for the next one 

**issei:** since we’re adults that trust each other, we have to be sincere about whether our partner’s answer was correct or incorrect ok? 

**hajime:** ok 

**tooru:** cheating is for the weak 

**takahiro:** yes 

**takahiro:** come on i’m getting impatient 

**issei:** oikawa and makki: what has been your partner’s greatest accomplishment?

**takahiro:** you mean the greatest accomplishment of their LIFE? 

**takahiro:** that’s almost impossible to answer 

**tooru:** moving out of his mom’s house. iwa-chan always feared he could never do it because that would mean leaving his mom alone, but after getting accepted at nihon university he was practically forced to and he realized his mom could still live happily even if he was not under her roof anymore 

**takahiro:** i 

**issei:** that was so specific we don’t even need iwaizumi’s confirmation 💀

**hajime:** told you guys 

**tooru:** @takahiro hurry up cause if you take your sweet time and you end up being right i’m going to think mattsun told you the answer on private 

**takahiro:** DID YOU SKIP THE WHOLE “SINCE WE’RE ADULTS THAT TRUST EACH OTHER” PART

**issei:** he’s right though bro 

**issei:** we have to try to not look sus 

**takahiro:** this is not among us for fuck’s sake 

**hajime:** tick tock tick tock 

**takahiro:** alright alright 

**takahiro:** i’d say all our volleyball achievements at seijou? 

**tooru:** what did we even achieve 

**hajime:** BBSHDJSAHSJDJA 

**issei:** THAT WAS SO MEAN, CAPTAIN 

**issei:** but also true 

**issei:** no, that was not my greatest accomplishment 

**issei:** and now i’m mad at you so i won’t tell you 

**takahiro:** WHAT 

**takahiro:** AS IF YOU KNOW MINE 

**issei:** maybe i do 

**issei:** you would never know since it wasn’t my question 

**takahiro:** YOU LITTLE LYING SHIT 

**tooru:** this is the first time it’s not me and iwa-chan fighting 

**hajime:** i know i’m so proud of us 

**tooru:** i love you 

**takahiro:** shut the hell up you make me want to throw up

**tooru:** jealous much? ｡ﾟ+.ღ(ゝ◡ ⚈᷀᷁ღ) 

**issei:** children. please stop 

**issei:** next round: iwaizumi vs me 

**hajime:** oikawa should ask the next question 

**issei:** why 

**hajime:** cause you’re gonna pick something you know the answer to 

**tooru:** he’s right 

**issei:** why not makki

**hajime:** cause you asked the first one and he’s in your team 

**takahiro:** can someone just fucking ask something?

**takahiro:** please 😇 

**issei:** ok

**issei:** you can go @tooru 

**issei:** this is the website i’m using to pick the questions 

**issei:** _ site.attached  _

**tooru:** matsukawa and iwa-chan: what is your partner’s biggest pet peeve?

**hajime:** subway pole huggers 

**tooru:** ugh true I HATE THEM 

**takahiro:** I DON’T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE 

**takahiro:** THESE GUYS ARE SO ANNOYING 

**hajime:** CRY LOUDER 

**issei:** MAKKI CALM THE FUCK DOWN 

**issei:** I GOT THIS 

**takahiro:** DO YOU? 

**issei:** YEAH

**issei:** IT’S PEOPLE WHO SCUFF THEIR FEET AS THEY WALK 

**takahiro:** oh my god 

**takahiro:** IT IS

**takahiro:** THANK GOD 

**issei:** god????? 

**issei:** thank ME bitch 

**tooru:** ok i guess we’re 2-1 now 

**issei:** you guess? 

**tooru:** next question please!!! 

**issei: 🙄**

**issei:** what was the hobby your partner loved the most growing up? 

**takahiro:** matsukawa you IDIOT 

**issei:** what 

**issei:** what’d i do 

**takahiro:** THEY ARE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS YOU STUPID FUCK

**tooru:** insect collecting 

**tooru:** 🥺 my baby 

**hajime:** poor bugs i sure annoyed the fuck out of them 

**tooru:** you were so nice to them!! they loved you!!!!!

**issei:** oh my god 

**takahiro:** this is all your fault

**issei:** come the fuck on makki even if you didn’t know me back then it’s easy to guess 

**hajime:** HEY 

**hajime:** THAT’S CHEATING 

**tooru:** MATSUKAWA YOU’RE DISQUALIFIED FROM THIS GAME 

**issei:** IT’S MY GAME 

**takahiro:** uhhh 

**takahiro:** puzzles? 

**issei:** WHAT THE FUCK

**takahiro:** YOU LIKE PUZZLES 

**issei:** IT WAS VOLLEYBALL 

**takahiro:** ohhhhhhh 

**takahiro:** figures lol 

**tooru:** BHAHAHAHAHHAHA 

**tooru:** HE’S SO DUMB 

**hajime:** i always thought matsukawa was the stupidest out of this group but you just beat him makki

**issei:** HEY 

**issei:** WHY ARE YOU BEING MEAN TO ME 

**issei:** makki you don’t know anything about me 😭😭😭😭 

**issei:** i’m so hurt 

**takahiro:** i just don’t have good memory okay

**takahiro:** don’t be sad please 

**tooru:** awwwww

**takahiro:** SHUT UP 

**hajime:** HEY

**hajime:** i just realized it was my turn to ask and matsukawa skipped me 

**tooru:** it doesn’t matter baby we’re winning 3-1 

**issei:** ok final round because otherwise someone’s getting killed 

**issei:** hanamaki, do the honors

**tooru:** (ﾟoﾟ〃)

**hajime:** he called you HANAMAKI bro 

**tooru:** he must be reaaaaaally mad ~ 

**takahiro:** mattsun 😭

**issei:** the honors please 

**takahiro:** iwaizumi and matsukawa aka the love of my life: what’s your partner’s zodiac sign? 

**hajime:** why so easy

**hajime:** cancer 

**issei:** uh

**tooru:** THERE’S NO WAY 

**takahiro:** you don’t KNOW? 

**hajime:** you just have to know his birthdate for that wtf 

**hajime:** WAIT 

**issei:** I DO KNOW IT 

**takahiro:** which is it 

**issei:** this is so stupid

**takahiro:** WHICH IS IT 

**takahiro:** TELL ME RIGHT NOW 

**issei:** it’s like 

**issei:** in spring 

**takahiro:** I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU 

**issei:** as if you know mine 

**takahiro:** march 1 

**tooru:** 💀

**issei:** ok

**issei:** we are even then 

**takahiro:** ok 

**issei:** love you 👉🏻👈🏻

**takahiro:** love u more 

**hajime:** they are so easy

**tooru:** who cares WE WON 4-1 


	16. friends just sleep in another bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: ooooo i know iwa is used to oikawa being hit on by girls all the time but maybe oikawa being pursued by a guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> important info: this takes place before oikawa and iwaizumi get together!
> 
> this is for you @iwaoi love @urmomsdom i hope you like it!! thank you for the prompt ❤️

(two years ago) 

**takahiro:** hey 

**takahiro:** how’s iwa doing? 👀

 **tooru:** he’s better now, thanks for asking 

**tooru:** and thanks for helping me back there, i didn’t know what the fuck to do 

**takahiro:** don’t mention it, it was pretty intense 

**tooru:** yeah, i’ve never seen him so mad before 😭 i still don’t know what happened 

**takahiro:** he wasn’t mad, he was jealous 

**tooru:** don’t be ridiculous 

**takahiro:** so iwaizumi almost beats up a guy for barely glancing at you and I’M the one being ridiculous? 

**takahiro:** okay then 

**tooru:** he wasn’t just glancing at me! iwa-chan said he was harassing me 

**takahiro:** was he though? 

**takahiro:** you are the one who should know that

 **tooru:** i don’t know 

**tooru:** i mean, i didn’t realize

 **takahiro:** i was there too yk

 **takahiro:** believe me, the guy was only checking you out. maybe in like, a lecherous way or whatever 

**takahiro:** but still

 **tooru:** (。ヘ°)

 **tooru:** what if iwa-chan is homophobic?

 **takahiro:** what the fuck? 

**tooru:** just think abt it!!! 

**tooru:** why would he be jealous of some guy hitting on me if he wasn’t homophobic? 

**takahiro:** dude 

**takahiro:** hello!!!?!?!?!!??! 

**takahiro:** he’s in love with you 

**tooru:** he’s not 

**takahiro:** are you seriously considering that iwaizumi, your best friend and someone you’ve known your whole life, is a homophobic asshole?

 **tooru:** no (´∩｀。)

 **tooru:** but i just don’t know what to think 

**takahiro:** look. you need to talk to him 

**tooru:** i tried to!!! he keeps brushing it off

 **takahiro:** you two are useless 

**takahiro:** what is he doing now?

 **tooru:** sleeping 

**takahiro:** in the same bed as you? 

**tooru:** … 

**tooru:** yes? 

**takahiro:** oh my god 

**takahiro:** and yet you doubt he’s in love with you? 

**tooru:** it’s not a big deal!!! 

**tooru:** we’ve been friends since forever 

**takahiro:** “friends just sleep in another bed”

 **takahiro:** ed sheeran

 **tooru:** stopppp 

**tooru:** that song destroys me 

**takahiro:** tell me about it 

**tooru:** and if you know me like i know you 

**tooru:** you should love me, you should know 

**tooru:** (ㄒoㄒ)

 **takahiro:** he does love you 

**takahiro:** but he doesn’t know you do, that’s why you have to talk to him

 **tooru:** makki, i’m scared 

**takahiro:** you’re really just dropping your entire façade for him huh

 **takahiro:** that’s so cute ☹️ 

**tooru:** it’s not cute, it’s embarrassing 

**takahiro:** it’s both 

**tooru:** hey <(｀^´)>

 **takahiro:** you know, a few years from now this will be hilarious 

**takahiro:** like, iwaizumi was 100% ready to fight a 6,5 feet tall guy just for being looking at you 

**tooru:** shut up!!! he could’ve gotten hurt! 

**takahiro:** i don’t think so 

**takahiro:** he’s freakishly strong

 **tooru:** ok true 

**takahiro:** well i’m going to sleep now 

**takahiro:** good luck 

**tooru:** thank you for everything makki 

**tooru:** seriously ❤️😭

 **takahiro:** just make up your goddamn mind and get together already, ok? i’m tired of your pinning and mattsun is too 

**tooru:** mattsun KNOWS???? 

**takahiro:** wow it’s so late 

**takahiro:** goodbye 

**tooru:** NO MAKKI WAIT 

**Author's Note:**

> if you liked pretty please leave me kudos and comments


End file.
